Hi it’s me again. I apparently can only write when I’m mildly depressed.

I haven’t played volleyball in 3 weeks. Have only worked out once in those 3 weeks. I’m scare to step on the scale, it’s sure to be sad. But it’s not really about the scale. It’s about what got me to that point. It started with the BaB camp. I always come back with a high from camp. This time I made a deeper connection with some friends, picked up a good partner for the upcoming tournament, and got some healthy time away from the baby. Then all hell broke loose. It started with a bad cold that both Miles and I got. Miles got croup too, so we were up multiple nights. Then the Tuesday after, my husband landed himself in the ER with a torn achilles on his right leg. No walking or driving for a minimum 3 months. So also no baby watching bc how would he if he can’t even walk? Then we got him in for surgery the following week. Then Miles got ANOTHER cold. Then I got the flu. All while Seth still couldn’t take care of Miles. Oh and did I mention between all of that, I went through 3 partners for the tournament I was supposed to play in and they all bailed on me so I didn’t get to play.

Sooo I don’t really know where to start here.

Let’s start with the volleyball. I haven’t touched one in 3 weeks. It’s frustrating in multiple ways. I feel like there’s a huge part of the community that just refuses to give me a chance and I don’t understand why. I’ve asked them a million times to play, I’ve invited them to non-volleyball things, I’ve tried to talk to them in social settings, non of which seem to make any difference to them. So that leads me to believe they’re not interested in interacting with me. It just doesn’t make me feel good. Like I know not everyone will like me and that’s okay, but for it to be just a giant section of the community to all not give me the time of day is just really irritating and feels very much like mean girl energy. And realistically, I wouldn’t care or continue to make the effort, but these are the girls I need to play with in order to get better. These are the girls that are excelling at the sport and they for some reason don’t even have an interest in getting better with me. That’s the real issue. I just feel like I’ve hit a wall. Either I can continue to play casually and not win anything or I can continue to try and break into a crowd of girls that I’ve been trying to break into for like… 4 years now with absolutely zero success. There have been bursts of moments where a friend of mine broke into the crowd, but I tend to just loose that friend rather than also get to be in their circle. Idk, I just feel pretty hopeless.

Okay let’s move onto the rest of my life. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here. Living the same day over and over again with no end in sight. I go through the motions every day, attempting desperately to cling onto the things that bring me joy. I think I’m just going through a hard phase right now. Miles seems like he constantly needs me, Seth also kind of constantly needs me, if I take even the smallest break on any chore or household task, it piles up and is a disaster. Seth can’t help. My family is no help. I just feel trapped and overwhelmed. My friends keep moving away and/or changing to the point where I don’t really want to be their friend anymore. I go to coffee shops and see groups of people hanging out, enjoying each other’s company and talking about interesting things. While I sit there alone wishing I had connection like that. And let me take a step back. I do have friends, I do have connections, but to get away for those has been so hard lately. I have a great group of friends up in dayton, but they’re…. in dayton. An hour away. I can’t just get them together for coffee on a random Saturday. And none of them have/care for kids so I feel bad bringing Miles.

On the plus side, seth and I have decided we’re moving! We don’t know where quite yet, but we’re getting out of the US. There are tons of “whys” on our list, but I think the biggest thing is we want to follow our dreams! I’m really hoping this move will come with a fresh start at a community. Because I think that’s what I’m missing here.

And sometimes I wonder if I did this to myself. Am I somehow pushing people away? Is there something I’m doing? I mean there must be. I don’t know what it is though. I wish someone would just tell me.

Next Serve, Nicole