Waking up in the middle of the night to no one beside me. Hiding old electronics just in case. Keeping tabs on the last time we were intimate. Checking his location if something seems off. Always wanting to know who he’s texting.

I’ve been around addicts my whole life, it’s exhausting. I thought he was my savior, the one who was going to get me away from the addicts in my life. The one who was rescuing me. I didn’t know I was getting into a relationship with an addict in his own right. Maybe it’s me? Maybe I attract them? Maybe it’s what’s comfortable to me?

Alas, here we are. Here I am. Laying in bed alone with the baby at 1am while he’s in another room sleeping. Or not sleeping. I don’t know. And that’s the problem. I want to trust him so bad. I want to allow myself to think he just went in there because he couldn’t sleep. But the reality is that it’s hardly ever that. I mean it might be that he can’t sleep, but he probably indulged in order to get to sleep.

And there’s no end in sight. No promise from him to stop. No want from him to stop. That’s the thing about his addiction. He could go his whole life and not stop, barely managing it, and no one would ever know. But I know. And I am affected. But it doesn’t seem like that’s ever been enough for him. I’m not sure why. Maybe he doesn’t love me enough. Does he really love that more than me?

I haven’t heard from him in a while about it. Which means he’s not doing well with it. It’s December 31st and we both set our 2026 goals. No goals from him about it. No plans to stop or change. At this point, do I just accept that this is how it is? This isn’t really what I signed up for. I’ve worked so hard my whole life to make sure I’m breaking the addiction cycle. But I keep getting sucked in. I want out.