Today I got lunch and ate it at my favorite park. The park I sat at a year ago, almost to the day, and talked to my husband about our plan to have kids. We’d been trying for about 2 years at that point with no success.  We basically said we were going to try for 3 more months and then try to adopt. Well that’s what my husband said. I was fully convinced we weren’t going to get pregnant, so I’d kind of given up.

Fast forward one month, BAM! I’m pregnant.

I remember sitting in this exact spot chatting with him about all of our life’s desires and goals, planning out our futures. There’s something so magical about planning a life together. We talked about my business that I had just started (and hated), his business that he’d been running for years, his day job, my potential day job, where we would want to live, what we would want to spend our money on, and everything in between.

It feels so weird sitting here, thinking back to a year ago, us on the “other side”, not knowing what was so close around the corner.

Having Miles was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not necessarily from a physical “birth is hard” kind of thing, but from a mental and emotional standpoint.

Being an athlete and playing volleyball consistently since I was 12, this was the longest I’d ever gone without competing in some way. About 8 months total. Not only that, but I lacked the mental fortitude to be able to stay active and eat healthy during pregnancy, which set me back even more after I had him.

So as I sit here 30lbs heavier, significantly worse at the sport I love, with fewer friends, less income, less free time, more guilt, more anxiety, and more depressed than I’ve ever been before, I have to ask myself, is this what I really wanted?

And of course I snap out of it and remember my life is what I make of it. This is a small phase in what is a wonderful thing. I remember all of the wonderful moments I’ve already had with Miles. I remember the joy I get from seeing my husband be a dad. I think about how strong I am for creating life. Women truly are gods. I imagine days not too far from now where I can bring Miles here to play.

Sitting here with all of these thoughts swirling in my head, drifting in and out while I think to myself…

I’m so thankful for this view. I’m so thankful for this weather. I’m so thankful for this free time. I’m so thankful for this sandwich and soda. And I’m so thankful for the life that I’ll go back to when I leave her. The life I came here to dream about a year ago.

Next Serve, Nicole